"Naked Man Sits On Deer Statue"

We drove up to my grandma's house to celebrate Chase's birthday. She lives in Kaukauna. I was reading the local newspaper, and I almost died laughing when I saw the police blotter.
I'm not making these up:

1) TRESPASSING: A resident in Greenville reported someone had broken into her house and used the toilet and didn't flush.

2) A Greenville man reported someone had driven across his lawn.

3) THEFT: A woman reported someone took a sign that read "Slow, children at play" from her front yard. The suspect also had knocked over a statue of a frog and left an empty beer can on the front lawn.

4) LEWD CONDUCT: A woman reported that a man exposed his genitals to her while she was parked at a gas station in the 1500 block of S. Mill Street. She gave police the man's license plate number. He told police he was wearing baggy shorts and when he got out of his truck his genitals became exposed. He said he apologized to the woman.

5) SUSPICIOUS SITUATION: An officer was dispatched to Doty Park where juveniles were reported congregating after the park was closed. Five juveniles were found hiding behind a large tree. They were cited for after-hours violations and their parents were called.

6) I saved the best for last! DISORDERLY CONDUCT: A caller reported being concerned about an elderly man living in the 2400 block of Joyce Street after she saw him come out of a house a few times naked and sit on a deer statue in the backyard. Police talked to the man, who denied it. The police contacted his family. They planned to make a doctor's appointment for him.
Haha. I almost died laughing.

Now I have to finish removing the "professional" frosting off of the cupcakes I bought for Chase's class tomorrow and put my own on them (well, Betty Crocker's) as well as little candy pieces that say "Happy 9th Birthday Chase!" to make them look homemade;) I know, I'm not going to win any soccer-mom awards. Back off.